dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
