Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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