dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
