i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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