if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
