I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
