Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
