Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
