your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
