Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
