You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
