mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i love accidental penises.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
