Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize