i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
