just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
