How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
