wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
