You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
