You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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