One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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