hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
