you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I faked an abortion last night.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
True strength comes from lack of pants
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
