I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just pee around me
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
