i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
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