That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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