my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
