So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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