I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
