Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
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