Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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