No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
