just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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