well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
