Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
