Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
