I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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