we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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