whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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