Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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