Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
