You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
