Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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