I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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