Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
