I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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