i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
