i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
