Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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