Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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