my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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