What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
