you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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