Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
