I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
