ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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