can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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