I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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