Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
