Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
